Yours Truly, Lovefoxxx.

Consolidate

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 02:22:10 GMT

Too much going on at one go.

Can't wait to head back home in May (surprise).

Girlfriend is un-officially officially here. How many fucking blogs do I need? But yes, I am attempting to write again. The ex has asked that we start a project together. Project-we-are-not-getting-back-together-cos-this-is-just-art.

I think the best part about being a couple is Ikea. Bliss.

It's 40-fucking-degrees

Tue, 27 Jan 2009 11:41:46 GMT

Can't take this mother fucking weather. Forecasted 40s until Saturday, I'm going to melt.

Throwing a crazy party this Friday to mark my short stint at current workplace. Crackwhore ways a plenty I predict, am already prepped for the big night out. Last day of work tomorrow, yahoo. Finally got my Guitar Hero World Tour today, heaven. Had a quiet CNY, went to the beach and some lo-hei times.

Recoloured my hair, maximum ah-lian vibes. Loving it.

Gong xi fa cai! Off to watch more tennis.

Safe and cold

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 02:58:05 GMT

Sometimes, my sadness/anger/temper gets the better of me. I reduce myself to a whiny pre-schooler and lose all ability to sound normal. I am so exhausted from facing this 'battle' day in and out. Really can't wait to finish serving my notice. This sort of treatment has got to be a first for me. I often wonder what brought this about. And my friends remind me that this is my first real job in Australia, and I'm surrounded by insecure lazy people.

Ah. Interesting.

And I am still determined on getting 2009 right.

Black tongue

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 03:21:11 GMT

Had a massive breakdown at the park just twenty minutes ago. Can't fucking wait to finish up at this hell-hole. This place is dysfunctional and you can never really trust anyone no matter which side they claim to be on. Save the pity party, I don't need 5,000 messages in a week from these friends/colleagues/assholes telling me how sorry they feel for me and that I should leave. And of course, I'm so fucking neurotic that I'm taking everything so personally. Actually it's hard not to take things personally when it's four against one, one after another of smart-arses taking cheap shots at belittling me. If you were really that great and smart, would you be participating in such loser acts?

All I can say is, "See you losers."

First impressions of the new year

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 03:26:01 GMT

I'm supposed to be hunched over my ancient Macbook (office comp, wouldn't be caught dead with this junk of a machine) working hard on some non-existent project. But I have decided to write a bit, or a lot. We'll see...

As mentioned in the previous entry, I'm somewhat unsure of what 2009 will bring but am trying my hand at positivity. Had a mini panic attack over the weekend about my current work situation and terrified of the prospects of being jobless and hauled back to Singapore. It's not that I've given up on my birthplace and of course my bestest friends are back home, I just feel like I have yet to give Melbourne all I've got. Truth be told, I'm pretty much over Australia already. This I can attribute to my lack of commitment for anything, and I'm already itching to move to Hong Kong and be an expat.

Having given it much thought, I think I've pretty much mapped out 2009 for myself - something I've never really done before. I'm doing this for several reasons: One being that I'm turning 27 and really need to get my life in order; Secondly, I'm doing this for myself. Phase one on taking care of number one. So yes, I don't think it's possible to live each day at a time anymore. I've probably been fooling myself thinking I could get past another 10 years with that sort of a philosophy and outlook on life.

At the end of the day, I want to be happy. Without alcohol, drugs and other vices, I want to be fucking happy on my own accord and terms. 2008 was a trying year, I say that all the time, but I think it was a year that changed my views on finances, friendships and career. I've always pride myself on the fact that I had very good working experience and I somehow managed to do awesomely well in school this time round. I have been so hard on myself over the course of my Masters, and since working at the current agency, questioned my self-worth and capabilities endlessly. Over the holidays, I took a long hard look at myself, sat down and weighed out my strengths and weaknesses. I've since made a very difficult decision to start all over again. Forget my publishing/fashion experience, forget how fucking old I am, I'm wiping the slate clean and giving myself a new lease on life - career-wise that is. So next week, I'm quitting my job at the agency and will go on to look for something new and better. Funnily, I'm kinda interested in the education sector, and was thinking of doing some lecturing part-time. We'll see...

Socially, I am going to get myself back on track. I want to go out and meet new people, I want to be 'me' again. For awhile I was holding myself back, afraid that if I let myself go, everyone's going judge me. Then I realised, er fuck it, I've never really given two hoots about what others thought about me and I'm guilty of being judgmental too. So instead of worrying so much and trying to censor my every move, I will just be myself. Easy peasie.

Relationship wise, my mother is extremely worried that I am not settling down. Well who knows what will happen. I don't think I'm that worried yet, although I must say I'm some sort of Lucky Chuck, seeing that most of my exes are married or are getting married this year. They must have been scared off into commitment after having dealt with me. Keke.

Alright, have to go. I'm glad that I've started to put things into perspective.

2009

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 03:30:40 GMT

Am still in recovery stages post Christmas and NYE drinking. Changing my flight dates for my trip back home to Singapore. Kinda afraid of what 2009 will bring, but hopefully it will be better than 2008. I am going to try my hand at positivity.

Merry Xmas

Thu, 25 Dec 2008 02:33:20 GMT

Where has 2008 gone? Meh. Merry Christmas everybody. My days since Friday has been reduced to alcohol-induced rampages. Still trying to piece bits and pieces together.

I happen to find GTA awesome on a 42" screen. Nice when sawing randoms' heads off. Awesome.

:D

Smeared black...

Sun, 30 Nov 2008 11:00:56 GMT

Taking some time out of my marcomms plan to write a proper entry. It's been a long time coming... I'm on my second cup of nasty home-made coffee and in the middle of an overdue report. I tell myself "Fuck you have to write something."

I've been caught up with life. Graduating and re-embracing adulthood, that is a full-time job and a whole load of responsibilities. A lot has happened over the past few weeks. Putting together a large-scale photo shoot plus apartment hunting and applying for my residency are just the tip of the iceberg. Icing on the cake was everything that could have gone wrong, has gone wrong and I have had several mental breakdowns (mostly at work). It's only in the last two days that I've taken a breather and gone back to 'normal' mode.

Haven't really had the time to think about personal stuff. I had a very unexpected "please take me back" from someone two weeks ago which totally caught me off guard (this is the event I've been wanting to tell you about Winks, we need to talk very soon!). I didn't think it'd be so easy to decline the 'offer', but I did and it just rolled off my tongue like ABC. That's when I realised I have all my life to live and I did let go a long time ago. I don't lie awake at night thinking of what we could be, not even anything remotely close. I let you fall off my radar, and I didn't feel bad at all, in fact, I felt extremely relieved. If my past relationships have taught me anything, it is to just walk away. I don't want to dwell on the bad times, I'm so over that. There was a time when I pretty much lost my sanity and threw away my dignity; that wasn't love (he was right). It was the fear of being left alone, the shame of proving everyone else right and myself wrong that drove me off the edge. Now I know better. It's okay to be alone for awhile, I no longer feel the intense desire to have someone walk next to me at all times. I like going at my own pace. Chapter close, phew.

So aside from that, my life is pretty much all about work and moving into my new place. To be honest, rent is steep but I love the new pad. Love, love, love it to bits. Thus the splurging on fancy equipments and all that jazz. Like Richard Gere said in Pretty Woman, "because it's the best". Times are bad I know, it will all catch up with me pretty soon.

I think I need to go back to my report writing. This is a very random post.

End of the year

Sat, 29 Nov 2008 23:59:55 GMT

Can't believe year-end is fast approaching. Am really getting old. Unf.

Have been really busy sorting out a campaign shoot. Big production and am tripling my roles as producer-stylist-art-director. Also in the midst of moving into my new place, decking it into a kick-ass pad. So I'm off to Ikea in a bit to get a wardrobe (new place has no Built-in-robe, a first in Melbourne) and entertainment unit to house my spankin' new 40" TV. And my X-box/Wii. New life, high price to pay. Loving it.

Miss my dear friends back home though.

Fail what?

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 01:08:57 GMT

Thanks for all the lovely comments from previous post. x

Onto more pressing matters (or so I think), my last paper is tomorrow, need to get through it - accounting. Fuck. Have not studied, instead been obsessing over apartments and all that jazz. I AM THE IDEAL CANDIDATE. PICK ME PICK ME!

I can taste freedom. Woohaaaa, yeeehaaaa. Study, study, study.

Drinks at 1pm tomorrow. Who has exams at 9.30am anyway?

New hair

Sun, 02 Nov 2008 00:56:46 GMT

Like fina-fuckin-lly, I got a hair cut. And decided to dye my hair, after 2004's disastrous blonde-silver-pink. Love it. No longer look so dark and angsty - but still am cos a leopard never changes its spots. One more exam and it's freedom, lotsa parties coming up, yay! Also, apartment hunting is doing my head in, all the ones I want are so kitsch, so me, and so expensive.

New hair:

I know, I know, it's ASIAN INVASION

Happy Sunday folks.

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 08:18:32 GMT

I'm taking the most unlucky person alive award. Last Thursday, my new wayfarers broke, then on Friday my new Mulberry broke and today my fucking car broke down. With my kinda luck, who needs a curse?

Sun, 19 Oct 2008 09:02:30 GMT

Not having the best week for sure. First my new wayfarers broke, followed by my new Mulberry bag. Urgh. Staying in makes a lot of sense. Especially to watch True Blood. Fucking awesome show. Yes, am still obsessed with vampires.

Can't wait for school to be over. Looking forward to moving into an awesome-ass can't afford it apartment. Fell in love with one, WANT IT.

Change

Sat, 04 Oct 2008 04:11:00 GMT

Some times I listen to the things you say and realise you've changed so much. You are so up yourself, and every syllable that rolls off your tongue is acid. The funny thing is it doesn't make you any different. You're just the exact same cookie cut-out smartarse who's completely and utterly empty on the inside. I've met many new Yous in my life, and you are just another sell-out. Nothing special, just an insecure self-absorbed jerk.

I'm so over trying to be your friend.

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 11:50:58 GMT

Before I left for Melbourne, I remember the doctor warning me off boozing and smoking. Le sigh.

Anyway, health issues aside, I just bought myself a Mulberry bag. I thought I needed the pick-me-up. I also ordered a Chanel and Prada. Bad, bad, bad.

Deeply saddened about Paul Newman, always thought he was such a great actor with good looks and a heart to boot.

Had a massive weekend, so am a bit slow, still in the midst of recovery. When will I learn that I no longer have the body of a 20-year-old? Never.

Wed, 24 Sep 2008 15:44:46 GMT

4 more weeks and I'll be launched right back into the big bad world of work, work, drugs, work. Kidding. Maybe not. Heh.

Found a lump in my left boob when I was back in Singapore in July. Left it and it's still there. Tiny but ever-present. Hmmm... Need to book myself in for a check-up. Kinda had enough with doctors, hospitals and operations since 2 years back. My doctor warned me of my risks since I was 19, got another warning just before I joined Elle and had a routine check-up, and another round during my last health-scare. Needless to say, I'm #1 at NOT heeding advice.

I'm waiting for myself to start screaming and freaking out. It hasn't happened yet because with all that's on my plate now, my reflexes have dulled and slowed.

Big Sticky Note on my Macbook added: MAKE DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT. I have a very long list of to-dos: WRITE RESEARCH PAPER, CALL XXXX XXXX, PUT TOGETHER PR APPLICATION, MOVE OUT, SELL CAR, STUDY, it goes on. This is an all too familiar feeling. Urgh. I don't even have time for a breakdown.

Move along now.

Sun, 31 Aug 2008 10:33:31 GMT

Style Director, who would have thought? Hmmmm...

Way behind on replying one too many emails. GAH, sorry.

Am too engrossed with cussing the fucktart who leaked MIDNIGHT SUN, ruining absolutely everything. That and trying to getting into the groove at school. Yes, at week 6. I'm so fucked.

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 13:17:40 GMT

I am officially an advertising skank. On my way, on my way...

To infinity and beyond. Now, what am I on?

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 03:06:24 GMT

When all hell breaks loose, reach for the valium.

This is what happens when one over-estimates herself and tries to juggle 2 jobs and a full-time curriculum at school.

Aside from a massive car repairs bill to foot, I'm paying off my medical insurance and seeing the doctor. I've been so good for awhile. But I am most definitely losing my mind.

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 14:06:31 GMT

Got into a car accident yesterday. Fuuuuck. Lady luck is not shining on me these days.

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 12:56:27 GMT

I'm getting back into the swing of things. Work, school, play - all in moderation. Does not mean I have been spending wisely, have used up my tax refunds even before I see the moolah. Finally got to watched Dark Knight, which is fucking awesome. Watching it again, cos the first time round we were fucked off our heads. Major interview with an agency tomorrow, so fingers crossed. Am down with a bad-ass cold, no one to blame but myself.

Love the person I am in Melbourne.

My mother text me a few days ago: "Are you depressed again?"
My reply: "No, I'm taking a nap."

Waiting on revival

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 18:06:45 GMT

I badly need to get this off my chest. I guess I saw this coming (like a head-on collision) since the recent happenings back home, but I have kept my emotions under wraps all this while to the point of implosion.

I believe I have reached a new level of socially-ineptness. At social situations where I've never before worried about feeling left out or not having anything to say, I now find myself constantly telling myself in my head to remember to breathe. It feels like everyone around me is walking on egg shells, as if they're afraid to trivialise my loss or that I might just have a sudden mental breakdown in their presence.

Maybe it is happening, I am breaking down internally.

I have my own way of dealing with grief and frustration and it often involves shutting the world out and wallowing in my cocoon of morbidness and idealistic fantasies.

Would it be impolite to cut people off when they tell me they understand what I'm going through? My sister-in-law (having recently lost her father to cancer) told me that everyone (related or not) have their own ways of dealing with death, it's never the same. So how do I explain to them it's the combination of unexpected and expected events that caused this silence. Oh yes, this silence is deafening. Still it is my way of coming to terms with everything that has happened, the things I've gained and the people I've lost to illness, career paths and a simple change of mind. Don't take this one thing away from me.

Maybe a good cry is in order. Just to get it all out and move the fuck on.

I wish I had someone I could lean onto once in awhile; I'm tired of being strong for everyone else and myself at the same time. I am spent. I am only human.

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 15:27:07 GMT

My grandfather just passed away minutes ago, I hope he is in a better place. The state he was in when I saw him in the hospital was heartbreaking. This I can take. I will have a breakdown in time, now I'm all numb.

Our love is strong

Sat, 12 Jul 2008 04:05:31 GMT

"I wish you were here with me, because I can't fall asleep thinking how close I am to losing those nearest and dearest to me..."

"I am in your heart. Remember me."

I want so many things. To pretend nothing of what is going on now in Singapore is actually happening. To not have to hole myself up in my house and not answer phone calls and reply text messages. To fly right back to Melbourne and huddle under my doona, my cocoon, to block everything else out.

Death (or near-death) always has such a profound effect on me. Because I don't know how to react or the right things to say. I am overcome by grief but lose all my means of communicating in words the pain I feel. So I try to block it all out, immerse myself in another one of those make-believe fantasies where I am 100 per cent safe and sane.

My heart is heavy. I'm tired of hearing people tell me they're sorry. It's not that I don't appreciate it, but these sympathetic words make me feel more vulnerable, like a child exposed to the evils of the world and unable to fend for herself.

Can't wait for Tuesday to leave this place.

Change

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 16:11:48 GMT

This trip back to Singapore made me realise how much I've changed or how 'the same' a lot of my friends still are. I do not hold it against them, and wish they would understand my situation. I do not think I am better, but I know I am currently at a better place in my life. I like the slow progression that my life now takes, and am at ease with just being myself. I guess on a vacation I just have different expectations and want to 'chillax' as much as I can.

I have been thinking a lot. How these changes affect the dynamics of the friendships I hold close to my heart. Funnily enough I'm like an outsider now but bare no grudges except slight frustrations of being misunderstood and so easily judged by my 'inner-circle'. Maybe it's the group mentality where the odd one out is the black sheep. Maybe I've just moved on from my old life and can never retrieve the good ol' days.

This is an odd feeling that doesn't sit well with me. Because from the way I look at things, this is what it will be like for the next 5 or 10 years - maybe worse. Am I ready to let go, I wonder?

Maybe this is my sign to stay on in Melbourne. If I ever had any qualms about remaining back there after completing my Masters, this is what's telling me to persevere. Because there really is nothing left here anymore that's worth staying behind for. Keyword being 'behind'. Why move backwards when one can move forwards? Why stay 'safe' when the future is an adventure waiting to unfold? Even a nice irresistible career-offer is blindsided by the fact that I abhor living in Singapore.

Change. I'm still two ways about it.